Today in work a lady with the fattest bottom in the whole world came in. She said she was looking for a face mask and I sold her a cleanser too. I don't know why I'm not the manager. Anyway, during the consultation (which was full of shithot essential oil knowledge), that bloody fat dyke kept staring at my tits. What a pervert! In hindsight I should've got an expensive moisturiser and placed it firmly infront of my breasts to see if she took the bait. But whatever, I'm no sales whore.
I've actually been meaning to write about some fruity people I've seen around recently. I'll try and recall...
Easter weekend I went to the crematorium to see my dad. I nearly bloody slipped there was so much shitting mud everywhere, what a fucking disgrace. It's a place for mourners and sorrow, not comedy slips. Saying that, mam and I had a hearty chuckle over it all. I was arranging some lovely roses when I noticed a boy, I'd say he was about fifteen maybe, walking around talking to himself. He was definitely cracked as hell but it was hard to work out just who he was talking to since, being a generic teenage boy, he was mumbling a lot. I like to think that he was talking to all the people whose powdered remains were buried there. Like the Sixth Sense, or something. Because real life is mostly like the movies, right?
On a shitty ten minute lunch break not so long ago I was walking to Holland and Barrett's, the place of vegan dreams, to get a pasty. Yum. I heard a guy doing the most insanely terrifying death metal whispers. He sounded like the fucking devil! It was way cool. I didn't cop a good look, but I did notice he was walking with someone who was on the phone and seemingly oblivious to his mental friend. I swear to god, he sounded like Michael Akerfeldt in a library.
A very cute little girl came into the shop last week. She wasn't mental, just really sweet. She saw a robot ballistic that prompted her to swing her arms about and shout "exterminate!". Seeing a three year old girl in massive pink sunglasses jump around chirping "esstermunate!" is about as scary as, well, it's not very scary at all. When I tuttied down to ask her if she'd like a little label on her bag, she almost gave me a cuddle. As she was leaving, she stopped at the feet of a tall lady, a complete stranger, and looked up to say "BYE!" and then skipped off. What a cutie.
I'm boring. Come to the Bridge & Tunnel / Young Livers show on Wednesday. It'll be fun. Go on.