Teeth knackered. Parts of body don't work. Job prosperity zero. Marriage on the rocks. Can't go to 5 Bells in the night. Social life zero. Money coming in £113 per month. Smoking 40 fags a day. Been in some jams in my life but this is the worst. Car only worth £300. I have managed to lose all my self respect and I suppose deservedly so. Made family's life hell with my selfish and really childish behaviour. I hate myself for what I'm doing to everybody. I don't know the future but it's looking very bleak. The nights are the worst. Long and watching TV. When I awake in the morning the feeling of emptiness is overbearing. I finally realised my head has gone. Had to have lager, reminiscing, can't go forward. Still stuck in the past. Destroying family. I hate myself. Saw J. Morris. Couldn't face him. Went different way.